Think Of The Children
by whistleonwild
Summary: Feharan's parents would be delighted. In addition to being a holedigging zombie, he now serves as the famous Valaunt family's greatest weapon. Against each other.
1. 001: Legendary

**001: LEGENDARY**

Feharan had always been ill-suited for life. His mother was a world-famous dancer, his father a not-very-well-known (and thus terrifyingly talented) assassin cross, and he was...a child that they tried not to think about too often, for fear of being overcome by the sudden need to jump off the nearest bridge in order to escape the shame of having born such a useless son.

Not that Feharan knew any of this, as he spent most of his time underground.

In a completely literal sense.

His one talent in life was an extraordinary skill at digging holes.

Still, he had been greeted with no small amount of surprise when he'd finally announced to his parents that he'd decided to become a thief. His parents were surprised that he'd ever manage to be _anything_ aside from a sewer-rat, as that seemed to be his chief objective in life. It was far from an unpleasant surprise, though. There was always the chance, after all, that training would spark some manner of hidden brilliance in him and he would take after his father's genius after all.

They were sorely disappointed. Feharan was now thirty-six years old, and still a thief. He was too concerned with hole-digging to worry about promotion, or making a living, or any other inconsequential details of life.

There was, after all, quite a lot of dirt in the world, and quite a lot of holes that needed to be dug.

Meanwhile his parents entertained the notion of Feharan as a construction worker.

The job description did not appeal to him. Not enough hole-digging.

_Or a garbage man_, they suggested.

Even less hole-digging.

In desperation, they asked, _or a gravedigger?_

Tempting, but filling up the holes would be too much pain for him to bear.

His parents gave up and, after a long period of soul-searching, finally came to terms with the fact that the only future their son had was as an illustrious hobo-in-a-hole.

----------------

Like his parents, Prontera also had to go through a long period of soul-searching, and like his parents, finally came to terms with the fact that they would have to put up with a six-foot man randomly popping up at people from directly under their feet.

The good people of Prontera could put up with thieves, robbers, and highwaymen. They _understood _the process of people exploding up from hidden holes in the ground, holding them at sword-point (or dagger-point, or, in the unfortunate case of several very senior members of the Thieves' Guild, needle-point) and demanding that their valuables and money be handed over. They _understood _how to deal with those people. You screamed for help, or you gave them what they wanted, or you bellowed some manner of warcry and ran a sword through their intestines.

But you could hardly justify stabbing a man through his gut when all he did after exploding up from the ground was apologize for getting dirt all over your nice dress.

And so the citizens of Prontera did what they always did with new and disturbing things like Feharan; they integrated him into the city, and soon they were explaining to their relatives from far away that oh, the strange brown-haired man who'd just climbed out of Main Street, don't mind him, he does that _all the time. _

It did not take long for Prontera to become used to him, and soon no one was surprised when they suddenly tripped and fell and sprained their ankle by stepping into the hole that Feharan had just vacated.

However, it still came as a bit of a surprise for some when one autumn day, after two weeks of submergence, a yawning Feharan climbed out of the fountain vacant-eyed, grey-skinned, and eaten away by decay, with his dismembered left arm slung over his right shoulder.

Others simply remarked that my, we now have our own walking maggot farm. Fancy that.


	2. 002: Valaunts

**002: VALAUNTS**

"Maruken, what's sex?"

Maruken stared at his youngest brothers. Identical twins. Weird things that he never came across too much. Apparently they were part of the house, in the same way Reilkav and his father were part of the house, but Maruken's mind had never classified them any higher than 'furniture'. They were like statues. ...Moving statues. ...That talked. ...And vaguely looked like him. ...But nevertheless, they were statues.

Had they just said something?

Oh well.

Maruken went back to staring at the sunrise.

Later, he blinked and turned around to look at the empty spot where the twins had been standing two hours before.

"What'd you say?" he asked.

It would be another two hours before he realized that the twins weren't there.

----------

"_Vangar Vangar Vangar Vangar Vangar Vangar Vangar Vangar._"

"Fgnhhhgffng." (Fuck off.)

"_Vangarrrrrr. Vangar. Vaaaaaangar. Vaaaaaaaahn. Vaaaaaaaaaaahngar. Stupidhead._"

"_Fghsffgghhffhng!" _(Fuck off, you little bastards!)

Something shook Vangar's shoulder urgently. He ignored it.

A moment later, he heard the sound of something getting thrown out of the window. There was a horrifying shattering of glass on the street below. Vangar sat bolt upright with wide, blood-shot eyes, heart coming to a stop.

Glass. Shattering. Out the window. Twins. His room. His things.

He added all of it together and came to one conclusion, right before the twins gave it to him.

"Vangar, that was your last bottle of wine. By the way, what's sex?"

Vangar rolled over in bed and stared at his wide-eyed little brothers through the second-worst bed hair on the face of the earth. The worst was Reil's.

Cats were constantly getting lost in Vangar's hair.

They got _strangled to death _in Reil's.

Vangar shoved his face into the pillow and wondered if closing his eyes would make the twins go away.

"'What's sex'?" he muttered. "Here, I gots a better question. What's _six o' clock in the morning _to ya?"

The twins looked at each other. Korch raised an eyebrow. Chavsk shrugged. That was odd. If Chavsk didn't know something, that meant _no one _did.

"I dunno," Korch said. "'S trick question, right? 'Cause it ain't six in the morning, 's ten in the morning, we just checked."

Vangar was busy getting his hair out of the way. Now it was somewhat more tame. In the sense that it was no longer trying to puncture his eyeballs, at least.

He stared at his brothers some more.

"What don't kill ya only makes ya stronger," he said, after a long pause. "Got that?"

"Sure," Chavsk and Korch said, thinking they were going to learn what this weird word they got from their next-door neighbor meant.

Instead they learned what 'six o'clock in the morning' was.

Six o' clock in the morning, they learned, was _annoying-little-brats-getting-thrown-out-the-window-by-a-raving-insane-Vangar_ time.

'Six o'clock in the morning' was a lesson that by now, everyone but Maruken and their father had learned. Maruken, because he was too big to fit through the window, and their father, because he probably would have levitated back in by the power of _sheer rage._

----------

The twins were not stupid. Weak, possibly, but only because they hadn't grown into either of the two Valaunt builds – the freakishly strong build, like Maruken and Vangar, _or _the silent and cold and cunning build, like their father. They would get there eventually, but not until it was_ too late. _

However, living with people like Vangar and their father had already given them a good sense of survival. When they wanted something, they went to Maruken first, because Maruken was the nicest one in the family and was generally helpful – if you were willing to wait for two hours. Then they went to Vangar, because Vangar tended to give answers_ immediately, _unless it was 'six o'clock in the morning' as they had just learned.

Vangar was a drunkard and the general consensus was that he would grow up to be a wifebeater – or possibly a husbandbeater – and a pedophile (though he claimed it was only when he was _really really_ drunk). He threw his younger brothers out of the window, kicked (most) little children in the street, and threw puppies off walls and stomped on their twitching bodies afterwards.

But he was infinitely preferable to the second-oldest son of the house.

Chavsk and Korch limped around to the front and sat on the stairs, nursing their scrapes and bruises. It had not been a far drop. That was because Vangar lived in the basement, and the window was exactly level with the ground. That had been their father's idea, who insisted that he knew nothing of certain people throwing people out windows, but made him move to the basement anyway.

Though their father could stop Vangar from breaking people's legs by chucking them down two stories, he could do nothing to stop _a certain someone else _from breaking people's legs with _their bare hands. _

But Maruken wasn't going to answer for another two hours, 'six o'clock in the morning' wasn't going to stop until about three in the afternoon, and there were no other options.

There was nothing for it.

The twins trudged back inside and wound their way into the smallest, darkest, and loneliest room in the whole house.

----------

The door was shut, and deceptively quiet.

Chavsk and Korch stared at it for a long, long while.

"You first," Chavsk said.

"I was first last time," Korch whined. "_And--_"

"I'll be first the next two times."

"That's what you said five times ago."

"Promise!"

"Really?"

"Yeah!"

"Okay." Korch inched towards the door, with his back against the wall, moving sideways.

When he reached the door, nothing happened. Chavsk had stopped breathing. Korch had, somewhere along the way, stopped breathing, blinking, and, quite possibly, living.

Korch swallowed, and reached for the doorknob.

The door exploded open with a bang, splintering wood and spilling light into the dark corridor.

"_FUCKING GOT YOU, VANGAR—_oh shit._"_

"Fsgghkkhkhhhh," Korch said, from somewhere on the ceiling.

Reilkav Valaunt, second-oldest in the family, emerged from his room in all his fiery, wrathful, terrifying, and legendary five foot two glory.

He blinked at Korch, and then blinked at Chavsk, who was doing a surprisingly good job at fusing himself into the wall.

"...Who the hell are you?" Reilkav asked, scratching his head.

----------

"_WHADDAYA MEAN, I'VE GOT FOUR BROTHERS? NO ONE TOLD ME THIS!"_

----------

"Oh wait, you were the squirts who killed mom?"

----------

"Wait, I had a mom?"

----------

"Wait, I have a dad _too_?"

----------

"_HOLY SHIT, I'M ACTUALLY REAL? WHAT THE – OH MY GOD! HANDS!"_

----------

"Hey wait, I coulda sworn I was a girl five minutes ago! But now I got this thing in my pants--"

----------

"Well, 'scuse me for not knowing! Not my fault Vangar locked me here since – since – since...who's Vangar?"

----------

Fifteen minutes later, when Reilkav was finally fully awake and his memory fully returned to him by dreamland, the twins finally asked their question.

"Selka from next door gave us this weird word that we don't know yet though Korch says he hears it around mostly when Vangar is in the room and it's called sex except we don't know what it is and do you know cause we really want to cause Selka says she's gonna pay us if we find out before tomorrow," Chavsk said, all in one breath.

Reilkav stared at him with his mouth hanging open and his eyes going blank.

"The answer is beer," he said, after a long moment.

"Huh?" Korch cocked his head to his side. If it was 'beer', he was sure that Vangar would've known that, even at six o'clock in the morning.

"'S answer to everything, ain't it?" Reilkav asked, sounding genuinely confused.

"Even to 'what does sex mean'?" Korch asked, clapping a hand over Chavsk's mouth before he could spew off another long chain of complete and utter nonsense.

"Wait, what?" Reilkav's mind was still somewhere in dreamland, catching up.

"Sex."

"I like sex."

"What is it?"

"'S good."

"Yeah, but...what _is _it?"

"Wait, what?"

"_Sex. _Think it's spelled...ess...eee...fgghnnrrr. Yeah."

Reilkav scratched his head, apparently giving the question some real thought. Then he blinked, and asked, "Who are you again?"

Korch stared back. Then, out of the corner of his mouth, he hissed, "Chavsk, can I throw you out the window?"

"What? Why? What'd I do?" Chavsk looked panicked. He had lost a toenail in Vangar's throw, and it still hurt like all hell. Not to mention the nail that had been sticking in his side while he'd been trying to merge into the wall a few moments before.

"Nothin', but it makes Vangar feel better, so it'll probably—"

"_WHERE'S VANGAR?" _Reilkav roared.

"_HE'S NOT HERE! PUT THE WARDROBE DOWN!"_

----------

Another ten minutes later, when Reilkav really _really _was fully awake, and his memory really _really _was returned to him by the dreamland, and he was acting like his normal self – which made Chavsk and Korch both want to throw _themselves _out the window – they asked the question again.

Reilkav stared at the ceiling, chewing on what was probably a splinter out of someone else's skull.

Then he said, with the air of one of those really educated scholar people, "Korch. Take your dick, and stick it into Cha—wait! Shit! I got a better idea—er, I mean—what sex _really _is..."

----------

Six o'clock in the morning had stopped. Vangar was pulling his shirt over his head when the twins stuck their head into the room.

"Vangar."

"Yeah?"

"Reil told us what sex is."

"Huh?"

"He said...we gotta take this sword...and shove it up your ass."

Vangar stared at their slightly worried faces.

Six o'clock in the morning came back with a vengeance.

--------------------

**A/N**: Argh. I know. 'S been done before. But it was the best way I could think of to introduce all (most...) of the Valaunts. D:


	3. 003: World's Most Despised

**003: WORLD'S MOST DESPISED**

Reilkav knew the twins had squealed on him as soon as Vangar caught up with him on the top of the hill. Vangar was so easy to read that he might as well have walked around with a sign with his mood-of-the-day written on it. Today it was apparently 'pissed'. 

Well, that came as no surprise to Reilkav. The Valaunt family in general was always pissed. Mostly because all the quiet ones kept out of the way and no one ever noticed them; to the rest of the city, the Valaunt family was entirely made up of Reilkav, Vangar, and Sonovosk.

That, in Reilkav's opinion, just about covered it. Minus Vangar.

"Reil, we gotta talk," Vangar said. It looked like he'd just come off duty; Vangar worked in the city watch. It made for some awkward situations when Vangar had to chase Reil halfway across Prontera in order to arrest him and lose his trail, only to meet him at the dinner table back home. Usually it resulted in a lot of awkward staring, and ended in Maruken banging their heads together before someone died. 

"If this is about Korch and Chavsk--" Reilkav started.

"It is."

"--then you can shove it up your ass." 

Vangar grimaced, sighed, and ran a hand through his hair. "Listen, Reil, just 'cause you got a sword doesn't mean you absolutely _have_ to whack people with it."

Reilkav stared at him incredulously, tongue held between his teeth. "What? What_else_ is a sword good for? I thought the whole goddamn point was to--"

"You use it for _self-protection._ Not for beating your little brothers around the head," Vangar said. 

Reilkav snorted and rolled his eyes to show exactly what he thought of _that_. Well, at least Vangar had saved the shit about protecting-the-innocent for someone who'd swallow it. Not even_ Maruken_ believed that crap, and you could preach almost anything at Maruken and get him to nod along.

Reilkav thought this over, then said, "I used it for self-protection against the _stupid_?"

Vangar swung his fist Reilkav's way, but Reilkav had the good sense to duck.

"Fucktard," spat Vangar. "Chavsk's smarter than you are."

"And what's the goddamn use? Listen, the only time I'd ever thank Mother for giving birth to Chavsk would be during a goddamn _famine_ and even then we'd probably eat Maruken first--"

"I beg to differ, personally I'd vote that we throw _you_ into the firepit before anyone else, that way at least we won't have to listen to your bitching--"

"Oho, fuck you!"

And everything went downhill from there. That was the way things usually went, with Reilkav and Vangar. It was also usually the way most things went when Vangar shoved Reilkav off his feet. And it was most definitely the way things went when Reilkav latched on to Vangar's arm at the same time_ and_ they were standing at the top of a very steep hill.

Reilkav was five foot two and skinny enough that he didn't look much different from the things that staggered around the Payon Caves (and, in fact, when they were twelve and their father took them there, Maruken had turned right around and knocked Reilkav unconscious. Then again, apparently Maruken had also attempted to do the very same to Vangar right afterwards, so Reilkav wasn't quite sure that _that_ had anything to do with Reilkav's appearance). 

Therefore, Reilkav was entirely sure that the painful trip all the way down the hill was _not_ his fault. The other factor contributing to this conclusion was the fact that one, Vangar was a hell of a lot taller, and two, Vangar was wearing shit. Very. _Heavy_. (Metallic.) Shit.

_Therefore_, it was rather unfortunate that when they finally rolled to a halt, Reilkav found himself trapped under his younger brother in all his armored glory.

_"Your ass is in my face!"_ Reilkav roared, classifying this as a very dire situation.

"Trust me, that's my _face_ in your fucking face--"

_"Not much difference! Smells the--"_

And it was about then, Reilkav thought, that Vangar lost his patience.

The next thing Reilkav knew was suddenly being about eight feet taller but heading very quickly towards something that _might_ have been the ground, although he couldn't quite tell due to the speed at which he was hurtling through the air. 

He believed he had about two seconds left of life.  
So he made good use of it.

_"GOD FUCKING DAMMIT, I WILL SEE THIS SWORD SHOVED UP YOUR ASS IF IT'S THE LAST--"_

The last thing he _saw_ was the ground suddenly shifting and a grayish thing rising up-- 

----------------------

It was at times like these, Feharan thought miserably, that he wished he still had normal human reactions. At least that way he could have ducked and avoided all this sewing-arm-back-on-after-getting-hit-by-screaming-swordsman-going-at-a-thousand-miles-a-hour business. It was his right arm, too. That was rather unfortunate, because Feharan didn't quite trust his left hand to do anything more than hang at his side.

"Holy fuck, I think he killed me," the swordsman groaned from about five feet behind him. Feharan squinted. He was pretty sure the thing trapped between the swordsman and the ground was his right arm. He probably needed that back, didn't he?

Feharan frowned. "Not quite," he pointed out, and was about to ask for his arm, but then the swordsman snapped at him to _'shut up and let me die in peace'._

Feharan scratched his head and began to look for his shovel. Eventually his search led him to gingerly step over the swordsman's body -- still alive, he noted -- where he spotted the tool laying about three feet away. He was about to go and collect it when he felt a hand wrap around his ankle and _yank_.

_"YOU GIANT ASSHOLE, DON'T THINK YOU'RE--ohshitwaityou'renotVangarwhattheflyingfuck--"_

----------------------

_"Okay_," Vangar said, exceedingly slowly. 

He pointed at himself. "This._ This_ is Vangar. Vangar Valaunt. He is your brother. Sadly. By some colossal mistake of Nature. You are _allowed_ to hit him, because he will not_ stand for that shit_ and you will find your body ripped up in all sorts of creative appreciable Artsy-with-a-capital-A ways, possibly put on display _all over Prontera_ for the general public's enjoyment."

He took a breath, and then proceeded to jab his finger at Feharan, who was unsuccessfully attempting to pick up one of his two arms with his feet.

"That. _That_ is Feharan. He is not your brother. Luckily. You are _not_ allowed to hit him, much less rip off _both_ his arms, because now you have landed the two of_ us_ in a shitty situation."

Reilkav frowned at him, and apparently gave this information some very thorough analysis. 

Then he dubiously asked, "And that shitty situation would be...the fact that you're not dead yet, right?"

Vangar tried to hit him, but Reilkav bared his teeth and snapped at Vangar's fist. Vangar decided he'd much rather not contract rabies, and pulled back before contact could be made.

"No, now we have to..." Vangar glanced over at Feharan. Thus far, the local Pronteran zombie hadn't been paying them any attention at all, preoccupied with the misery caused by the loss of both arms and the fact that he couldn't dig anymore. In addition to that, from what Vangar had seen so far, Feharan seemed to be just about as smart as Maruken. But still, _some_ tact had to be taken. Maruken might be huge and invincible, but at least he could still be killed. On the other hand, Feharan was a zombie.

"...take care of his arms," Vangar finished, awkwardly. What he wanted to add was _'and we better do it fast, before Father comes back home, because Father won't like having maggots all over the carpet'._

But Reilkav wasn't listening. Instead he'd walked over to Feharan, who had ceased the sad struggle of attempting to pick up his arms and instead resorted to staring at them in dejection. 

"Hey, can I borrow one of these?" Reilkav asked innocently. As innocently as Reilkav could ever get.

"Sure," Feharan said, sounding pitifully sad.

"Thanks." Reilkav took the left arm, turned it over in his hands, frowned, and then walked back to Vangar.

"I am _so_ not fucking helping you sew those back on," Vangar hissed, low enough that Feharan couldn't hear. _"You're_ the one who did everything."

Again, Reilkav took some time to process this information thoroughly. Vangar could practically see the gears in his head turning. Very slowly. Fighting against a lifetime of rust. 

Then Reilkav responded by whacking Vangar over the head with the zombie's arm.

* * *

**Author: **look, look, not dead yet! and now you will have to wait another five years for the next chapter, huh ;; I actually found the beginning of this chapter sitting around in my hard drive as I was cleaning things out, and liked it enough to finish it...

fsghhsghgsl please ignore any wordmashes OH FFNET I HATE YOU SO


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